Amnesia
by winter-kid
Summary: Everything was fine until the damned accident.. Even if the circumstances were harsh, Mello did not leave Matt s side.   A Mello x Matt fan fiction. The characters do not belong to me. Rated M later on.
1. The accident

_It was a cold December night. Snowflakes were dancing joyfully through the frozen air, then gently touching the cold ground. It had been snowing for 10 hours and the mantle of snow had already covered everything. It was Christmas` night. The trees and houses were beautifully decorated. The smell of delicious food could have been felt from everywhere. Everybody was with their families, spending Christmas, excepting for me. I was in hospital, injured. In fact, not as injured as my lover who was in a coma. We were the unhappy victims of some armed street band that attacked us. The band did not attack us without any particular reason, though. It was somehow my fault because I beat the shit out of one of them because he had pissed me off about two weeks ago. Two of my ribs were broken and my left arm was shot. The pain was unbearable but it was not that bad after all, considering that Matt had been shot in his left leg and almost in the heart. "Those fags. Fuck them..". I kinda felt guilty. I knew it was my fault and I should have been the one in coma, not Matt. I cursed, then stood up from the bed. I knew the nurses would come back and make a fuss over me not being in bed resting, but I did not actually care. The only thing I wanted was to see my lover. I crept out of the room and headed towards the front desk. The lady from the desk told me that Matt was at intensive care and I was not allowed to visit him yet. "Fuck" I whispered. I turned my way towards my room when I bumped into the doctor who was taking care of Matt._

"_I`m sorry." I apologized after bumping into him. "Please, tell me, how is Matt feeling?"_

"_His state is very fragile right now. I am not sure if he is going to wake up and if he does, he might not be able to move, speak, see or remember anything according to the fact that many of his nerves were damaged." He said._

_I felt like the entire world was crashing around me. I knew it was my fault, but I couldn`t do anything. I would have done anything to switch places with Matt and yet, I couldn`t. Hot liquid sprang in the corner of my eyes. I tried to stop the tears but I couldn`t. It just..felt so wrong to be the one at fault. It hurt so damn much not to be able to save the life of the one you loved._

_Two weeks after, there was no change in Matt`s state. I had returned home one week before, but kept visiting him every day. He looked so pale and..anyhow but alright. I was spending almost the entire day in hospital, staying by his side. I wanted him to know that he was not alone so I kept holding his hand all the time. _

_The next day I went to a church. I was not the best Christian ever, but I just felt like doing it. I knew God would never forgive me for being a fag, for killing people, for not actually believing in Him, but I just hoped that He would help Matt a bit. I stared at the nicely painted walls. I was not used to going to Churches. "So..here I go, I guess. God, I know I`m not the best person ever, but please, help Matt. He`s not at fault. I am. If it wasn`t me, he would have been alright now. Please.." _

_After a few more days, I was relieved to hear from one of the doctors that Matt had woken up. I was so happy that I couldn`t even breathe normally. I rushed the hospital`s halls and finally arrived. Room 451. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Matt was lying in the bed, his eyes focused on me. _

"_Hey.." I silently said, small tears forming in the corner of my eyes and a big smile spread on my face._

"_Hey." He replied._

_I was so happy. He was alright. He was there. Alive and healthy. I couldn`t have asked for more. I took a few steps forward and, as I stood near his bed, felt the need to hug him. And so I did. I hugged him as I hadn`t done in some time. _

"_Who are you?" he asked, confusion in his eyes._

"_What the fuck, Matt? It`s me, Mello." I said, the smile dropping off of my face immediately. _

"_I..I don`t know who you are." He replied._

_Days felt like years. Matt hadn`t still remembered anything. He couldn`t remember who I was, where he lived, what place I was taking in his life and the biggest problem was that he couldn`t remember who he was. _

_The doctors let him leave the hospital, but told me to take good care of him. And so I was planning to do. It hurt so damn much to see that he couldn`t remember anything, but I was planning to bring his memories back, or at least, to build new memories with him. "But what if his feelings would not be the same? What if at some point he`ll hate me? What if.." I wondered. "No, it`s going to be fuckin` alright." _


	2. First memory

_The next day when I woke up, I found Matt lying in bed, near me, dried tears on his face. He was staring blankly at the ceiling, his eyes focused on a certain point._

"_What happened to you?" I asked sleepily as I rubbed my eyes._

"_I don`t know.." he said, looking emptily at the same spot._

"_You can talk about it.." I said in a low voice. _

_He certainly didn`t look alright. He was pale, and looked as if he didn`t manage to sleep at all. His once happy smile was now replaced by a confused expression. I didn`t like the situation at all.. It just felt so wrong not to have the usual Matt by my side, the one that wouldn`t stop playing a video game until I told him I might leave if he didn`t stop, the one that would have talked to me every time I needed it.."Fuck..now I`m being selfish" I thought. _

"_Don`t worry, Matt. It is going to be alright." I tried to calm him as I made my way out of the bed._

"_No. It`s not going to be fuckin` alright! I do not know who I am, I do not know who you are and I can`t remember shit from my life! I know nothing.." The redhead said as he cupped his face with his hands. _

"_Fuck.." I whispered to myself._

"_Well..look.." I tried. "We`ll make it alright. Together. We`ll bring your memories back. And even if we don`t succeed, I`ll build new memories with you. I promise.." I said as I made my way towards him to hug him._

"_Okay.." he nodded, his voice trembling a bit._

"_Dress yourself up, Matt. We`re going to eat something. The fridge is empty and I`m not in the mood to go out to buy groceries then cook. " I said while heading towards the bathroom._

_Thirty minutes later, we were ready to leave. We both exited the apartment and went to the restaurant we used to eat at when we were not in the mood to cook. I just hoped his memories would return if I brought him to places we frequently used to visit._

_Once we got to the restaurant and ordered the food we wanted, we started talking._

"_So..You say my name is Mail Jeevas, right?" he asked._

"_Yup..But keep it as Matt from now on, ok? It`s safer this way." I replied._

"_Why?"_

"_Because that`s the way I used to call you since we were little. I can`t change it now." I answered, not really wanting to mention anything about the serial killer, Kira._

"_How old am I?"_

"_You`re 20. You`re born on the 1__st__ of February 1990."_

"_Oh.." he softly said. "And..how come you know me since we were little? Where`s my family?" he asked, a hint of despair in his voice._

_The explanation was kinda difficult for me to tell and difficult for him to hear. I could tell from his facial expression that it hurt him like fuck when he heard about his family, about his past life, about the orphanage and everything. But the thing that hurt him deeper was the fact that after I told him all the crap, he still couldn`t remember anything. He was so upset..so confused.._

_I really believed that he wouldn`t remember anything according to the situation. When he asked me about "what place I had in his life" I didn`t have the heart to tell him who I really was so I introduced myself as a "childhood friend of his". I didn`t want to hurt or confuse him even worse, so I left it that way. At least, for the moment.._

_After ending the conversation, we both ate our food in silence. None of us said anything anymore. Matt was trying to gather the new information and to put it together. I wasn`t sure if it had been a good idea to tell him everything at once, but I kinda didn`t regret it. I knew he would have found out all of it at some point._

"_So..what did I use to like?" he asked once we exited the restaurant and made our way towards a park._

"_Well..you liked video games..A lot. At some point, you even forgot to eat because of them. Tch." I said, a bit irritated, remembering how much time he wasted on the stupid games. I didn`t know if I should have told him about his smoking habit. It would have been better if I hadn`t told him. His health had already been severely damaged because of them._

"_Video games like _Pursuit force_ or _Assassin's creed bloodlines_ or _Secret agent Clank_?"he asked, a smile showing on his face._

"_Yes, those. Matt, you remembered something!" I exclaimed happily. _

_I was happy but a bit annoyed at the same time; happy that he was starting to recover his memory; annoyed that he remembered about the stupid games first, not about the love he used to claim he had for me._


	3. Confessions

"_Fuck.."_

_I startled from my sleep as I heard that soft whisper. The room was dark and I think it was the middle of the night. I looked all over the room trying to figure out what had happened and then, my eyes caught Matt. He was lying near me. He was awake and a worried expression was covering his pale face. Damn..I was so sleepy…_

"_What`s happened to you?" I asked softly, but worried at the same time._

"_I..I had a bad dream. Anyway, don`t worry for me. I`m fine." He said, smiling falsely._

"_Don`t lie to me, ok?" I replied, a hint of anger in my voice._

"_It`s just that..I keep having the same dream over and over again. And it`s not some kind of fairytale that I should enjoy."_

"_What kind of dream?" I asked curious. _

"_Well..a dream where we were beaten up pretty badly. A dream where you were shot in your left arm. It was something like the exact description of the accident that brought me to the amnesia state." the redhead said a bit desperate. _

"_Wouldn`t this thing be considered something good? I mean, your subconscious is aware of what you did in the past and is trying to tell you. In other words, you`re starting to remember things." I explained, a bit relieved._

"_Well..maybe.."_

"_Che..Now, let`s sleep. It`s late and I`m so damn sleepy. Don`t worry about it anymore." I murmured as I hugged him instinctively. _

"_Mells…" he said with a hint of insecurity in his tone. "What exactly am I to you?"_

"_Haven`t I already told you?"_

"_I mean..you`re hugging me all the time and you really care about me and.." he said as his face reddened with embarrassment because of the subject. _

"_Yes, I do those things. And you know why?" I asked as I felt like I couldn`t hide it any longer. "Because some time ago we made a pact that you`ll be mine and I`ll be yours `till the world shatters. I can`t break it now."_

"_You mean..that we were..lovers?"_

"_We still are, Matt." I replied, a faded smile showing on my face._

_He kept silent for a moment. I felt like my heart was bursting out of my chest. I was not sure what his reaction would be. "What if he will tell me that he doesn`t love me anymore?.. Say something, already!" I mentally ordered him. _

" _For how long?" he asked._

"_What?" I said, a bit confused of what he had asked previously as I was drowned into my thoughts._

"_For how long have we been together?" he repeated. _

"_I think 3 years or something. I can`t actually remember."_

"…"

"_Don`t be so damn silent. Say something!"_

"_I don`t know what to say…" he replied, his eyes looking into a certain point, lost somewhere far-far away._

"_What exactly are your feelings for me?" I asked, a bit desperate._

"_Look, I don`t even remember who I am. I don`t know what the fuck I shall do from now on. How would I know what my feelings for you are?" he answered. His once calm voice was replaced by an angry one._

"_What the fuck, Matt? You don`t remember anything about our relationship? Nothing?"_

"_I am fuckin` sorry, your selfishness, but I don`t..Don`t make me guilty when it`s not even my fault." The redhead tried to defend himself._

"_Che.." _

"_You should understand..Stop being selfish and wake up to reality. I am sorry to disappoint you, but I know nothing. Nothing. Do you think I really wanted it to be like this? Do you? I`m tired..tired of this "remembering" shit. All I want is to take my life forward. It hurts not to remember anything but I don`t plan on spending my entire life regretting the loss of my memories. I really don`t.." he said, angrier than I had ever seen him._

"_Matt.."_

"_Don`t "Matt" me. I`m going out a bit. I really hope you`ll calm down a bit."_

" _As if I were the only one who argued here.."I said arrogantly._

"_Where the fuck are my cigarettes?" he yelled as he entered the kitchen._

_Yeah, that was right. He used to keep his cigarettes on the table in the kitchen. But of course they were not there. They couldn`t have been as the gamer didn`t smoke anything since the accident. It seemed like he remembered about them. He used to smoke when he was angry.._

"_Good that your memories are starting to recover, but I have to remind you that you haven`t smoked since the accident. How the fuck should they be there If you haven`t bought any?" I yelled._

_But there was no reply from him. He was gone…_

_I cursed myself for being such a jerk. I knew that my relationship with him was fragile and yet I yelled at him and made him feel guilty. And the worst of it was that I made him so angry that he left. I couldn`t let it end like this so I decided to go after him. It was so cold outside.._

_Even though I didn`t know where he had left, something was telling me to go to the park that we frequently used to visit before he lost his memories. And so I did..I went to that place. I couldn`t actually see anything since there were no lights there and it was really dark, but he was there. He was sitting on a bench, murmuring something; something I couldn`t really understand. Some words sounded like "fuck you" and I realized they should have been addressed to me, but I didn`t care. I guess I really deserved it. _

_I slowly headed towards him, a bit of insecurity trying to make me return. Almost dried tears were covering his cheeks and he murmured:"What do you want?"_

"_Matt..forgive me..I didn`t mean to..." I shyly said._

"_You know I didn`t want it to be like this. And it`s not my fuckin` fault that some punks kicked our asses." He replied as tears renewed in his eyes._

_I hugged him as I never had before. He tried to pull away, but my grip on him was too tight to break. Finally, he gave in and hugged me back. How I had missed those moments. "I will never let you go." I told him. As we pulled away, the redhead sealed the distance between our lips into a deep kiss. It was not as the usual kisses between us. It was lustful, one full of desire. I licked his lower lip, asking for permission. As I was allowed in, I brushed my tongue onto his. Our tongues danced together since we pulled out, gasping for air. _

"_I love you, Matt." I said mentally, not being able to find my voice to tell him for real._


End file.
